to sum it up...

2009 made me realize that there are things we can't control and should be left by itself.

There are also things that I learned that I should leave it all behind and just move forward.

It was a good year, not a bad one but just a good one... Well compare with the previous years that I have, this one is simply good. simple.

Now I hope 2010 will be better than '09.

HAPPY NEW YEAR and may everyone I know (Close Friends, Friends, Loved Ones, Frienemies and Strangers-By-Name-But-Not-By-Face) have a BLAST this coming 2010!!!

...

somehow i miss my friends...

and somehow I know he's sad but doesn't want to share stuff... I respect him for that. but I'm just concern... but also careful.

anyway... I'm not that motivated or inspired to blog...

maybe when the year ends I might blog the usual year-ender stuff...


let's see...

loosing it again...

i guess it's another re-run of a quite depressing episode for me.

right now i can't think straight.

like i know what i will do and somehow it's organized but i just don't have the drive right now to work... like all my strength to go and work just wore off out of a sudden.

well not really out of a sudden... i was just demotivated by a lot of stuff lately.

w/c is making me hard to cope up.

to be honest, i know (really know) what to do... BUT i just don't have the motivation anymore to do it as of the moment.

people may see it that i might be avoiding the work task but it's not that.

just too many things in my head and somehow, i'm just standing there and doing nothing... like a catatonic state... but i'm aware of the things that are happening, i'm just not moving to doing some actions.




...ok, burn-out is at it again.

i give up. i'm tired of this so-called day job. it's not helping me at all to cope up. in fact it's more on pulling me down, morally.


i. give. up.

i hate work.

ang basehan ng aking kinikita sa opisina... meetings. puro nlng meeting at planning at brainstorming. kumikita ako sa pamamagitan ng pakikinig at pag-upo sa aking lugar.

dude... ano ba?

what the heck is wrong with you?

will it be like this always?
like we don't always know each other?

and somewhat you will always have that look on that I'm nobody you know... sighs.

this is tiring and bullshit!

i know i that i did something wrong, but i don't know what it is... and somehow you already made that face on me so please tell me.

and let's talk. i know you are also concern to your friends. but you seldom say it and you always (ALWAYS) approach me in an offensive way that i no longer understand.

so please, i wanna talk things out... I may sound like a girl but hey! I'm your friend too... and I considered you as a very close friend.

hug-deprived

ok... i'm tired from today's work... and it's just wednesday!


i need a hug... badly.




can someone hug me. i just need that short-term comfort that can last for the rest of the week.


hug me.

something new from something old

so, one of my teammates is being deployed to Cebu by next week. some of her responsibilities here at the Manila base will be passed on to me.

at first, i think i can take it. cause somehow, i'm quite familiar with the process. local account endorsements, monthly-weekly calendar budget and third party partnership with a job publication... well, hell ya! i can take it.

well right now, thinking with these added responsibilities passed on to me. i guess this is my "2nd chance" in redeeming myself from the fall i experienced from last March-May thing (aka HRO-C)... so somehow, i'm thinking deep again on how will i plan on making this something simple and yet very worth working at.

so there, my new responsibilities... and i'm hoping it will redeem me from my fall. and somehow, it will help build what was loss in me... or better yet, discover something in me.


anyway... i guess that's one thing nice from the weeks of work that i've been doing... and i guess it's time for me to shine again.


so wish me luck. well hope for the best.




laterz.

happy @ work?

...'nuff said. i'm just not motivated to go to work lately. with the things that is happening there, i'm hoping i can still see the brighter side of things.

feels like...

... i feel like giving up since there's really nothing good going on with everything in and around me.

like all things aren't falling into the right place for me and it sucks.

worst thing is i'm being succumb by it. making me not the "usual-me" but more of a "negative-me". and it's healthy at all.

i know that these things are caused by my past actions and that i'm really facing its consequences.

i'm broke. i'm loveless. i'm fat. i'm unhealthy. i suck in all i do. i such a loser in all aspect right now.

and all of those things mentioned, i do get it and i'm really hating it already.

like if this is all just a punishment and a "epiphany" to the things i did before. i'm sorry and lessoned learned from it.

but please... if somebody there, up there... if you're listening... i'm starting to not like my situation right now. and somehow, i want out of this shit hole. but i don't know how to stand or rise up again...

oh shit. i'm really in deep shit and i need help but don't know how to ask the right person or the proper way of asking help.


ok... im typing jibberish right now... have to contemplate some more things later.

crazy friday...

what's my job description again?

i guess in my line of work right now... the "job description" is just some food color or icing on a very large cake of styro-foam.

oh well... just came from a department meeting, which I can say one of the few boring meetings again. somehow, I try to "include" myself in the meeting, but somehow, i tend to just play some songs in my head.

yes, it's that boring... haha

anyway, i'll be staying here at the office 'til 8pm... 'cause my schedule today was an adjustment, due to the tire fixing this morning.

anyway, I'll just pretend to do something productive in the last few minutes of my work time, and maybe later I'll just play some PC games or just go home and sleep for tomorrow I need to be early to some school at Makati.

oh well, that's the day... Friday for me right now... hahaha something crazy again.

oh I miss doing my other field work... somehow. yeah, somewhat I miss doing the speech and aiming it directly to it or them... hahaha... fun and also worth it, not what I'm doing in my "day job".

anyway... I miss a lot of stuff right now. and now my mind is giving a lot of random thoughts... I guess I better stop it for now...


laterz...

pondering on stuff...

well, tomorrow... wait! make it 6 hours from now, I'll be turning 27.

27... three more years I'll be 30... wow. time do really run fast. or it's the other way around, where I'm too busy to notice how time moves. anyway, whatever... right now I'm turning 27 in a few hours.

and somehow, I want to do a short remembering the good ol' days... but I can't seem to to do that right now. I just don't have the time or the effort to do it... hahaha

all I can say that this year, pointing to 2009... it's been a challenging year for me so far. a lot of "tests" in life... and somehow, I'm managing to survive from it, but with a lot of injuries came with the surviving part. compared to the previous years, I'm seem to have a lot of mishaps in these "life tests".

anyway, I just hope things will turn out more good when I reached 27. Thou I know it's always up to myself on how should I take care of my life. but I just hope that things will start to fall for me in the right places.

oh well, I'm all by myself right now in my workstation, and I think I'm deciding to leave early for I need to sleep and somehow catch the 2nd to last episode of Smallville later on TV.

anyway, I guess i better greet myself a Happy and hopefully, a Prosperous Birthday for me.

laterz. c",)

burning responsibility...

(click photo to enlarge)

ok ok... i can say that i'm a responsible person. but the comic-strip above says about the current project that i'm handling here at work. so for those who are familiar to my line of work and the current project i'm handling... the strip is like what i'm in with HRO-C classes.

i may be acting like i'm used to it or getting the hang of it... but this responsibility BURNS!!!

wrongers...

what's wrong with me?

sometimes I'm not sure what the heck I'm doing with stuff around me.

I'm not even sure if what I'm doing is right or am I doing something that hurts others, basically if I'm doing something wrong.

well, i hate it when i'm just being paranoid with the thought. but if it's happening and i'm hearing stuff, it makes me wanna punch that person who said it and ask for some proves if what i'm doing is really wrong. because it's really disappoint that i'll know it after i've done the thing a lot of times in the past.

so, what the heck is wrong with me?

am i doing something wrong? if i am and it's been a while, there should be a negative effect by now right? but i don't see anything wrong or awkward, right?

why would they tend to mess-up with my head right now, i'm not in the right situation to be messed-up by these shits.

i got more things to focus, but this... this stuff i'm getting at work... it's really something.

oh well, i guess i need to "compensate" with some stuff on my day-job and with my eca's...

i guess less income for me this 3 months... sighs.


anyway, have to device another gameplan for the next days to come.


laterz....

my thoughts as of the present...

- I know it's not my business, but somehow i wanna ask "what's wrong?" and "are you guys ok?" but i don't want to sound like I'm prying on it. I'm just really concern to the both of you, 'cause both of you are really close to me and I don't want to see you both in an awkward situation. I love you guys!!

- I know you are tired from your holiday tour. but somehow do you really have to ignore me? I know you're tired and all. But every time!!! you really tend to give the shortest of short answers. you're like one of those applicants i interview that would not expound or go into some small details. they just give a one word answer. thus me failing them for not able to express themselves well enough. please i know you, and you're not like those people i interview. you're my closest friend. but sometimes, really sometimes, i feel like I'm nothing to you. and I'm hoping that feeling is not true.

- I'm not energized to do work anymore. and i don't know why. i want to grow more and learn more. but sometimes i just want to just stay in one area. and be annoying. and it's starting to annoy me that I'm becoming annoying at my line of work. what should i do?



... there some thoughts that have been running in my head lately.

no pun intended to some people that I'm referring at in this blog entry.

mad again

yes. i'm mad at this friend again for a stupid thing he did. i just can't stand what he did kanina at work and meddling with my personal stuff.

i know i have every right to be mad at him... and it really ruined my day's plan.

sighs!!!

i may join you on some crazy stuff but please, ilagay mo rin minsan sa lugar!! nakaka-bad trip ka talaga!


right now i'm deciding to not to see this friend for now... "see" in a sense never speaking to him, ignore his presence and just try to be civil at him when it's work related. if it's not work related forget it for now. again i'm really mad at him. and it may take more than 5 days to not really "see" him.

i've said my piece awhile ago by texting how i felt on the thing that happened.

i'm really REALLY mad at him!!!

i think i survived... i think.

i'm tired... it's been a long week.

to many things done. and i think i'll be home waaaay late. but i guess it was worth it.

anyway, i'll try to post some pictures if i have the time later when i wake-up from resting from this uber-tiring week.

what i learned from this one... is that sometime i need to stand and believe on the integrity of the standards given to you. but when the same source tends to 'tweek' it... i was able to bend but not bend all the way. just to keep a firm stand too.

anyway too many things are still in my head. and i'm waaay tired. i just need to rest after prepping and cleaning up these stuff here at work.

sighs.

oh well... it's another day of learning.

laterz.

huhu-hihi-hehe's work rant stuff...

it's been a while since i last blogged in... well like a month ago.

anyway, so far some things has changed. i'm handling an pseudo-account here at work. i'm handling training classes for people with a low possibility of getting hired, so yeah, basically i'm handling "charity" training. but somehow, it made my "work-groove" back. 'cause last months activity with colleges & universities was not really my idea of work.

yeah, i was a 2nd lead on the school projects. which i didn't really liked joining in the first place. but i was put in that place for me to experience it... so, i just put it in my "something to learn but won't really use it list". good thing i was able to learn a lot from that activity. not just the actual set-up but also on some people i work with in that certain activity. and so far, i really find it annoying... hahaha

anyway, right now, i'm just finishing some of the things i need to get it done. for tomorrow is the 2nd time our company is conducting a recruitment activity on a night time... and the only thing that worries me is the weather. yup... it must not rain tomorrow until sunday AM.

oh well, i guess i need to pray for the event tomorrow to be a success...

and now, i guess i have shut-down for now... i need my sleep. for tomorrow is the final battle of a week-long war here at work.

wish me luck! c",)

faith and force

gary v. songs aren't the solution to bring ones faith back.

it's whats inside the heart and its desire that will bring forth and attract the unnatural forces that this planet is breathing in.





so shall it be.

starting to get better...

ok ok... i just can't help it. i made the first move yesterday. i really missed my best friend at work. and hanging out with them after work makes it fun to stay with them...

so there, just like last time (more than 5 years ago with my other best friend)... feeling really nervous, i approached my best friend at work and somehow, he replied. and after leaving the office, i just really can't help but smile all the time. and i, somehow, sees his happiness too.

somehow, i guess we learned from each mistakes and now we're cool w/o really asking it.

i'm really happy that things are getting better and somehow lesson learned too. also, many thanks to my "spit-bucket" for being there!! :D

anyway, below are pictures i've taken where we ate a late dinner at yellow cab in morato.


it was fun! c",)

just trying to keep it right...

...and so far, i'm really still mad at my friend. thou, i'm somehow, wanted to make the first move in fixing this. but i think i need to stand more firmly this time.

anyway, i was able to "spit-bucket" to our common friend on my situation, and i think she's right that somehow our friend has a sense of what's going on, and its affected by it. but doesn't know how to act right...

i hope things will be all right. and i'm just hoping for the best for all of us. i really value our friendship. but i think we both need to grow and learn too.

anyway, i, in my case, still need to fix things on myself and again avoid being the "martyr" one... i guess putting a stance for a few days would be good.

i just really hope things will go on for the best...



anyway, just for some laughs... check the comic below. c",)

(click to see the large version)

letting go for good.

"Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)"

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

*so i guess it's really good riddance... and i think i should let go off it already, 'cause i'm seeing it's not really worth it to fight for it at all. it's not really worth it.

that means i need to go too. leave it all behind and just forget them. not just a person, but everything.

and i guess, as this song says, "...but in the end it's right." maybe it's really for the best to just leave and let the past be still memories to be just posted on walls and never in my mind.

tuesday blue-starter

it's tuesday morning... i think i'll be late for work again.

i don't have any motivation to work since yesterday...

all i want right now is just sleep here in my room... but i can't.

i just hope i can be home early later.

erratic attacks

what am i feeling right now?

well, i am having erratic feeling right now, with what's going on in my life... lots of erratic feelings... that would really contradict each other.

i just don't know how to fix it.

and the part that i hate is that, it's all on me... just me to fix. which is really logical since it's my life and not others.

so the question in my head that always asks me is, 'how do i fix myself, all by myself?'

well, it's starting to affect people whom i see close to me.

and somehow, in any point, trust can be shaken as well.



i guess there i was able to blog-out what i have not blogged or blurted out since i stopped blogging for more than months already.


now... just now, while i am typing this entry it kind of felt good. but i know i am not yet out of the dark place just yet. it may take time but at least i getting started to move for the better good. well i hope it's for the better good for myself and not the other way around, which is bad.

oh well, i guess that's it for now.

maybe soon i can blog-up again for updates on my so-called-life...


five by five.